


Redemption: A Star Wars Story

by Pebblish



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Ending, And for many other Kylo Ren/Ben Solo/Adam Driver fans happy, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, But enough :), F/M, Fix-It, Insecure Ben, Jealous Ben, My husband gets a second chance, POV Ben Solo, Post-Canon Fix-It, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Redeemed Ben Solo, Star Wars Alternate Ending, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, TRoS Spoilers, Tasteful Smut, This is to make TROS bearable for me, Virgin Rey (Star Wars), Well more like a third chance?, You Have Been Warned, i warned you, not a lot of smut, reylo smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2020-02-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:00:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22047526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pebblish/pseuds/Pebblish
Summary: The First Order is destroyed! The Supreme Leader, Kylo Ren, has turned his back on the Sith, and aided the young Jedi Rey to destroy the Sith Lord, Palpatine. The Resistance gathers on Ajan Kloss to celebrate their victory, but the galaxy is still in disarray. Can Generals Finn and Poe Dameron establish order to the galaxy?Meanwhile, Rey brings Kylo Ren, now Ben Solo, back to Ajan Kloss. With Ben Solo in Rebel hands, can he prove he has changed? Or will old ghosts reawaken the darkest parts of Ben Solo, the parts he tried so hard to kill? And if he has not changed, it falls to Rey to dispose of the former Supreme Leader.This is an alternate ending to TROS, where Ben actually gets the chance he deserves after FINALLY BEING REDEEMED. This will be a long story covering the road to redemption, the force connection (and romantic connection) between Rey and Ben, the fate of the galaxy, and the fate of certain First Order baddies who are still alive out there, bidding their time. (The summary is meant to be written like the scroll at the beginning of every Star Wars movie)
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey/Ben Solo
Comments: 9
Kudos: 56





	1. Prove Yourself

There’s a dull ache resonating from somewhere in my body, a deep pain that radiates and lights every nerve ending on fire. The pain won’t fade, it’s ever constant. 

My brain scrambles to remember something, anything, but how I ended up in so much pain is a blur. It’s all I can do to open my eyes, lids heavy with exhaustion. The room is lit with bright, harsh light, and it takes several blinks before I can register the white ceiling above me. I turn my head slightly, a low groan slipping from my parted lips as I take in the room around me. There are several plain cots on the other side of the room, but the room is otherwise empty, nondescript, and sterile. It gives no clue as to where I am. 

The hardest part is yet to come. I flex my fingers experimentally, testing my limits. The pain there is number, duller. I put one arm under me and push myself up on the cot with a huff, a pained wheeze pushed through a grimace. The pain has now reared its ugly head, and the source of it appears- my spine is so fucked up it’s a wonder I have mobility at all. Every movement feels like an electric shock to my spinal cord, and there’s a searing pain in my left leg that I can’t pinpoint the source of, but it’s all I can do to keep from screaming in agony. 

Sweat has started to bead on my forehead from the effort of sitting up on the cot, and from the pain, a cold clamminess settling over me as I take a few breaths, trying not to pass out again. 

There’s a movement at the edge of my vision, and I turn my head slowly to the culprit. A few seconds pass as I stare at _her._

_Rey._

She’s standing a few feet away, wearing a grey shirt and brown jacket, and it’s a surprise to see her in normal clothes. Her hair isn’t tied back, but falls to her shoulders in small waves. There’s a look in her eyes- I can’t puzzle out what it is. She takes a step forward, and the air between us is charged with electricity. 

There it is, that connection that I felt the first time I met her. Yes, my body is on fire, but this is a different kind of heat; and I know I’m not the only one feeling it. 

Rey stands next to my cot, and for once, we are at eye level. 

“Rey. Where am I?”

My voice comes out hoarse, a grunt more than anything. 

Rey scans my eyes, chewing her lip. 

“You’re in Rebel custody, on Ajan Kloss.”

 _Of course._ It all comes back to me now- a rush of images surge through me at a dizzying rate- _the fight on the wreckage of the Death Star. Throwing my lightsaber into the sea. Racing to Exegol to save Rey. Fighting together. Being thrown into a hole by Palpatine._

Another memory races in, this one even more unwelcome than the last. The feeling of holding Rey, lifeless in my arms, her eyes unseeing, staring at the sky high above. 

She must sense my bewilderment and confusion, because she slips her hand into mine, fingers gently intertwining. I look down, still lost in thought, staring at our hands laced together. I can’t help but be mesmerized by how _small_ they are, how warm. 

“I know you’ve changed Ben. I know I can trust you.”

Her quiet whisper breaks through my reverie, and I glance up at her. 

“How? How do you know? How can you trust me?”

_When I can barely trust myself?_

She shakes her head minutely, saying nothing. 

As much as I want to sit with her hand in mine for hours, the pain is mounting, and it takes a huge effort to keep from vomiting from the agony lacing through my body. I chew my lip, darkness now starting to dance at the edges of my vision.

Rey senses my disquiet, and draws her hand from mine, reaching out to cup my cheek. Her eyes are closed, lips pursed. 

I lean into her touch, staring at her intently. 

The warmth of her hand grows, seeping into my body and quelling the fire there, slowly erasing the searing pain licking at my spine, and the stiffness in my muscles. I let out a sigh, realizing that I had been holding my breath. The tightness in my chest dissipates, leaving only a warmth that fades as she draws her hand away. 

“How did you learn force healing?”

Rey looks me squarely in the face, her expression guarded. 

“Your mother.”

I swallow unconsciously, ducking my head. 

“There’s a lot we need to talk about, Rey.”

Rey turns her back to me, taking a few steps away. I can already feel the warmth from her life force grow cold as she draws into herself. 

“There’s no time for that, not now.”

Her voice is bitter, words clipped. 

I straighten and swing my legs off the cot, testing my strength as they touch the floor. I stand slowly, and while there’s still a lingering stiffness in my joints and muscles, the pain is gone. 

“What do you mean?”

I take a few steps to close the distance between us, my height dwarfing her smaller form. She still won’t face me, so I reach down to lace my fingers through hers again, sighing softly at the connection. 

She draws in a shaky breath, and I squeeze her fingers reassuringly. 

“The Rebels… didn’t understand when I brought you back with me to Exegol. They thought it was impossible- for you to have changed. Finn and Poe especially-” 

She breaks off, and turns slightly to look over her shoulder, up at him. 

“They said I should have left you to die on Exegol. They want to try you for your crimes against the galaxy, as the Supreme Leader of the First Order.”

I tense automatically, drawing myself up to my full height, towering over her. I can feel a twinge of anger smoldering in me, just waiting for kindling before my temper bursts into a surging wildfire. 

Rey bites her lip, a twinge of fear flashes in her eyes before disappearing. 

“I defended you, used my position and influence to vouch for you. I told them that our Force-bond was unswayable. That there wasn’t a chance you were pretending.”

I lean down to her, our foreheads pressing together. I exhale slowly, releasing some of the tension and anger that had been building. She brings our hands up, examines them for a second, before kissing my hand softly, just a brush of her plush lips. 

I can tell that she’s doing what she can to bring some peace to me, to quell the tempest. I rub the back of her hand with my thumb, and breathe in her scent. She smells like ship fuel and grease, a musky scent- that while not feminine, is entirely Rey’s. It’s a smell that awakens old memories of my father, tinkering and cursing at the Millenium Falcon, of tight hugs and a rough tan jacket very similar to the one Rey is currently wearing. 

“What comes next?”

I wonder vaguely what the future holds in store- I hadn’t thought that far ahead when I had raced to Exegol, to _her_ , just that I knew I had to be there. 

Rey tilts her head up, her eyes piercing into mine. 

“Next… you have to prove yourself.”


	2. Clearing the Nest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben Solo must prove himself to General Poe Dameron and General Finn, two very familiar faces.   
> If he fails, he'll be met with the most painful execution the rebels can imagine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all! This chapter is a little slow, and I'm sorry about that, but this is necessary to set up the story. I'm as eager to get into the action and drama as y'all are I'm sure, but this is kinda necessary.  
> Expect another update at the earliest two days from now, and at the latest maybe a week from now. Gonna try to build up some chapters before classes start back up again.

“Ah, we’re graced by the presence of the  _ Supreme Leader _ .” 

I lock eyes with two fierce brown ones, eyes that are very familiar. 

Poe Dameron has not changed since I tortured him for information, in what now seems like a past life. Poe sets his jaw fiercely, hostility radiating off him in waves. Beside him is another familiar face. It’s the former storm trooper, FN-2187. He glowers at me, crossing his arms as he stands beside Poe. The two are so close their shoulders brush, and I turn my head to Rey minutely, quirking up an eyebrow. 

_ They’re clearly fucking.  _

Rey can read my expression instantly, and she shoots daggers my way, pointedly reminding me of my delicate situation. 

_ Get it together Solo, you’ve got to prove yourself to these people or you’ll be seeing the end of a blaster within the hour.  _

I draw myself up, squaring my shoulders. If there’s one thing I won’t do, it’s cower before them. 

Poe and Finn are the only ones in the room that Rey had escorted me to from the sickbay. It’s clearly their command hub, because there are screens and dashboards lit up on the walls around them, showing maps of the galaxy, of the Outer Rim, of resistance bases. 

“What do you plan to do with me?”

I try to keep my tone neutral, but maybe a little bit of my contempt slips out, because Poe looks even more hostile.

“Originally, I planned to execute you before the entire Resistance, and draw it out-”

His voice is burning with fury, and it’s clear from the clenching and unclenching of his fists that Poe is barely keeping it together. 

Finn lays a hand on Poe’s shoulder, before interrupting the tirade.

“But Rey says we can trust you. And we trust Rey. But we need you to offer us something. You need to earn our trust.”

I swallow, chewing my cheek slowly. I can sense what they’re going to ask of me, and it goes against every instinct Snoke beat into me.

“If you want to avoid my blaster splattering your brains across the control room, you need to tell us where the First Order strongholds are located in the Unknown Regions, their size, and what technology and weaponry they have.”

Poe spits it out in a rush, and I’m not surprised. 

_ Of course they want information _ \- even with the massive defeat on Exegol, the First Order has strongholds in the Unknown Regions, and the war will continue as long as the secrets of their location and size are kept. 

I know this is the only thing that will save me from execution. And even though there is a large part of me that screams that this is  _ insolence _ , the scream is drowned out by the part of me that recognizes that Kylo Ren  _ deserves _ this- deserves to be executed, that I did horrible things, things that I won't ever be able to atone for. 

And I’m not ready for this life to end- not when I’ve been given a second chance. And certainly not when that second chance includes Rey. 

I look Poe squarely in the eyes. 

“I’ll tell you everything you want to know, but with conditions.”

Poe grinds out a low growl, hand twitching on his blaster. 

“How about this as a condition,  _ Kylo _ , that we  _ don’t _ kill you, and you tell us what we want to know?”

Rey looks sharply at Poe, opening her mouth to speak. 

I grab her hand and squeeze, telling her silently to let me work through this. 

“I understand what I’ve done in the past. I know that I’ll never be able to live it down. But I want to use this second chance. I want to be guaranteed freedom from execution, and be free to leave Resistance custody, and make my own place in the galaxy.”

Finn nods, still resting a hand on Poe’s shoulder. 

“We can agree to a stay of execution. But in regards to complete freedom, we can’t allow that. You have to understand that we would automatically assume you would run back to the First Order, or assemble the fragments of the First Order into another militaristic regime.”

Rey steps forward suddenly, and looks between us. 

“What if I kept him in my custody? Ben will tell you anything you want to know. But he doesn’t want to be kept as a prisoner on Ajan Kloss for the rest of his life. I can take him into my custody, and travel across the galaxy until we find a place to settle down, all while we keep an eye on him- to insure that he doesn’t slip out of our hands and back into the Dark Side.”

Poe huffs, turning pointedly from glaring at me to look at Rey. 

"What if he turns on you? Could you subdue him?"

Rey doesn't even blink. 

"Of course."

Poe swallows forcibly, crossing his arms over his chest. 

"We were planning to send you on a mission, Rey, to root out some gangs and cartels that had ties to the First Order, deal with them."

Rey nods, looking back at me.

"Ben can come with me. Let him do this mission with me, and further earn your trust. I can keep an eye on him and test his loyalties while you work on clearing the nest of the First Order."

Finn turns to me, his gaze unwavering.

"Well,  _ Ben,  _ let's hear it. Where are the First Order strongholds located?"

I dip my head, hiding my relief. Knowing I was maybe going to live to see the end of the day was a slight consolation to say the least.

"You seized my belongings, but I have a map in my belongings of the Unknown Regions, and each First Order location, with the purpose of each stronghold. However, the centralized command of the First Order is located on the planet Veos."

I walk over to a lit dashboard on the far side of the room, tracing a trajectory with my finger. The others come up behind me, watching my finger track a path across the galaxy. 

"Veos is barely inhabitable. It has a hostile atmosphere, with very little natural life on the planet that can be sustained. Not only does the First Order occupy Veos, they also occupy the moon orbiting Veos, Losha. Both are the places with the most concentrated First Order forces."

I sigh and turn away from the dashboard, dropping my arm to rest at my side.

"But with the stunning defeat at Exegol, and with my forfeiting the role of Supreme Leader, I know they are in disarray, struggling to plan out the next steps. Even when I…"

I pause, awkward.

"When I was the Supreme Leader, I did not tolerate dissidents. But there were still power struggles. Those generals who opposed me and those that worked to gain my favor. There will no doubt be a ruthless struggle for power within the top ranks of the First Order for someone to rise and take the mantle of the Supreme Leader."

Finn interrupts hastily, taking a small step forward.

"So would they retreat back to Veos to regroup?"

I look first at Finn, then Poe, and lastly Rey.

"Yes."

Poe buries his face in his hands, groaning. 

"It took so many of us to defeat them on Exegol- how can we  _ possibly _ defeat the concentrated forces? Especially if factions within the First Order have already split and spread across the galaxy? The odds are completely against us."

I gulp, taking a tentative step forward. 

"Someone I used to know would always say  _ 'never tell me the odds'. _ "

Rey turns her head sharply to me, and I return her gaze, feeling a strange, unknown emotion flare in me at the slight shining in her eyes. Are they tears?

Finn nods, turning to Poe. 

"We've done it before. We can do it again."

Finn turns to Rey, clasping his hands together. 

"We need you to be deployed on your mission as soon as possible. We'll work on gathering more forces here on Ajan Kloss for a final assault on Veos and Losha. We'll keep up communication with you daily to get updates on the clearing out of the gangs and the cartels."

Finn eyes me, sizing me up.

"I hope you can earn our trust,  _ Ben Solo. _ "


	3. A New Crew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben joins the new crew of the Millennium Falcon, and comes face-to-face with an old friend.  
> But there are ghosts of Ben's past waiting for him aboard the Falcon, and not everyone is thrilled about the newest edition to the crew.

“I am not traveling with him. There’s no way in hell this is happening.”

Before me stands a short girl with black hair, her eyes burning with resentment and a fury that could rival Poe Dameron’s. She is wearing a white jacket, her short black hair pulled into two little buns, and something I notice rather quickly is the blaster in the holster on her belt, a shiny thing that looks like it is well taken care of.

Rey tugs me forward, keeping an arm on my elbow as she stands beside me, the both of us facing the girl.

“Rose, he has to come with us. There’s no other way.”

The girl, Rose, shakes her head obstinately.

“No way in hell, Rey. He’s killed so many of us, either directly or through his First Order minions.”

I open my mouth to speak, but Rey elbows me quickly.

“Poe and Finn already agreed. They put him in my custody, to watch him and ensure he won’t return to the Dark Side. He can be of use to us when we flush out the cartels.”

Rose tilts her head to meet my eyes, seeming oblivious to our obvious height difference.

“I don’t want to sleep anywhere near him. He’s a snake. The First Order killed my sister, and he _is_ the First Order. No matter what he says.”

Rose storms onto the dropped landing platform of the Millennium Falcon, disappearing out of sight, but I can still hear the pounding of her boots on the floor as she stomps her way through the Falcon.

Rey turns to me, her hands resting on my arms, her eyes searching my face, the look in them imploring.

“I need you to prove yourself, Ben. I know you’ve changed. But you have to show the others, too.”

I nod, uncertainty rearing its ugly head in my mind. Rey had been quick to trust me because she had _wanted_ to. Perhaps it was our force dyad, the irresistible pull between the two of us, but she had wanted to believe I had changed.

The others did not share the same desperate need as Rey.

“I’m going to prove it to them Rey. I swear.”

I grab one of her hands and raise it to my lips, intending to kiss it, but Rey draws away, slipping her hand out of my grasp, looking sheepishly around us.

I stare at her, confused and hurt.

She looks up and there’s a silent apology there, a pleading I don’t understand.

“I don’t want them to know… At least not for a while.”

She breaks off, unable to meet my gaze.

I feel a flash of anger, but I swallow it down. It’s not Rey I should be angry with. It’s the damnable _Rebels_.

“ _Please_ , let’s just keep whatever _this_ is, between us. Please.”

I nod infinitesimally, and Rey sighs in relief.

She turns from me and starts walking in the direction of the Falcon, reaching the landing platform before she turns back, a puzzled expression crossing her face when she sees I haven’t moved.

I stare at the Falcon, something so familiar and yet, and _yet!_ Dread pools in my stomach and rises up my throat until I feel like I’ll retch bile any second now at the thought of stepping aboard that _particular_ ship.

Rey can clearly sense my growing tension through our dyad, and she walks back to me, running a hand up and down my arm, saying nothing.

“Let’s do it together.”

It’s nothing more than a quiet whisper as she takes my hand, our fingers lacing through each other perfectly. She leads the way, and I follow, my feet feeling like they’re weighted down, and I’ve broken out in a cold sweat, and I know that Rey is doing what she can through our dyad to lend me strength, to calm me. She steps onto the landing platform and up into the ship, and I stall, taking my first step onto the landing platform, then another, and another, until I’m inside the ship.

The smell hasn’t changed. It reminds me of a simpler time- of daring, short-lived adventures with a father who spent most of his time in far-off systems, the adventures always cut short when his mother had frantically ordered Han to _bring Ben back this instant_ , and the feeling of returning to my mother, the look she would always give my father, and the sight of the Millennium Falcon disappearing with a burst of blue light.

I collapse in the booth of the ship, the dejarik table turned on, a game waiting to be started. Rey looks concerned as she bends over me, but I shoo her away, breathing rapidly.

“Just leave me, let me have some time alone.”

I can barely choke out the words, and it’s very reluctantly that Rey agrees, disappearing into the ship’s cockpit.

There are ghosts lingering in the Falcon, and old, repressed memories prick at the back of my mind, a growing headache erupts as I force back the memories, trying to keep the ghosts at bay.

I close my eyes and lean my head back, breathing through my nose and out my mouth, trying to focus on just the filling of my lungs, blocking out everything crowding in my head.

“You alright there, kid?”

_It’s just another ghost._

I open my eyes and turn my head slightly, eyes focusing on the figure standing beside the dejarik table. He’s wearing a black shirt and a ridiculous gold cape, with some jeweled broach of some kind of beetle on the cape. His smile is the same one I remember from all those years ago, a lifetime ago.

Lando Calrissian slides into the booth, his eyes crinkling at the corners, his teeth flash brightly as he smiles at me.

“I hear you’re going to be joining us.”

I nod, still trying to get a grip on myself.

Lando looks down at his hands clasped on the dejarik table, and his voice grows solemn.

“I was sorry to hear about your mother. I had a lot of respect for Leia.”

I can only stare at him, because what can I say?

_Thanks, I was her greatest disappointment._

Lando looks back at me again, and his eyes are shining.

“Your father always dreamed of having you on the crew of the Falcon, you know. He’d be proud to see you now.”

It’s all I can do to prevent from retching at his words, because I can feel _his_ ghost here, lingering on this ship, _his_ ship.

And I still haven’t come to terms with what happened, that day on Star Killer Base-

“I don’t know what he’d think if he saw me now,”

My voice is a hoarse whisper, and Lando nods.

“I know it must be hard, being on this ship. But your father wanted nothing more than for you to one day fly the Falcon.”

Lando slides out of the booth, standing up again and straightening that ridiculous cape.

“I’m glad to have you on the crew, Ben.”

He sticks out a hand to me, and I look up at him, searching his face. There’s no suspicion there, no uncertainty. Just a cocky grin and the crinkling at the corners of his eyes.

I take his hand hesitantly, shaking it.

“Welcome home, Ben.”

Lando lets his words hang in the air as he saddles off, back to the cockpit.

I lean my head back again, clenching my hands into fists.

The dread and other, more unpleasant emotions are still churning within me, but subsiding slowly.

I can feel it, deep down in my bones, that this ship has a reckoning in store for me.

And I know _his_ ghost isn’t the only one lingering, stuck between this world and the next. His isn’t the only ghost with unfinished business.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to really delve into Ben's character here and explore consequences and repressed memories, and what that might do to a person- how they might respond. I think it's important to note that Ben would probably not be perfectly cool zipping about the systems in the Falcon without feeling anything, especially since he, ya know, KILLED HIS DAD. I think it's important to show that he would be seriously affected, would definitely have repressed memories, and this new environment will make it doubly hard for him to move past his former life as Kylo Ren and prove himself to the Rebels.  
> I also want you guys to notice how Ben thinks, how he narrates the story. He is definitely not the most reliable of narrators. And he still isn't ready to accept that he did some really shitty things as Kylo, and maybe the Rebels have a reason to be mad at him. 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, I know I did! I really want to explore the relationship between Lando and Ben in future chapters. Leave some love and feedback, I love seeing what you guys think!  
> Next chapter, some ghosties visit our precious Ben, and he has a not so great time dealing with them.


	4. Old Ghosts Awaken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben is visited by some old ghosts, and comes close to a breakthrough- but is Kylo Ren really dead? And can Ben confide in Rey about his nightmares and foreboding feeling that grows with every day on the Millennium Falcon?

My sleep is anything but peaceful that night. I am trapped in a stream of waking nightmares, transfixed and unable to stop myself from jolting awake every few hours in a cold sweat.

_I’m walking along the suspended catwalk of Starkiller Base again, towards Han Solo, his face unreadable as he stands frozen. The lightsaber is clenched in my hand, and there’s a clamminess that settles over me, a pit of dread threatening to swallow me up into an abyss. But I can’t stop my feet from their steady march. I stop in front of my father, sizing him up._

_He has the same worn, knowing smile that my mother had fallen in love with. A smile that has been burned into my memories, one of the few happy memories in my early youth, when my father would visit my mother and I sporadically. His eyes crinkle up at the edges, and despite a few extra wrinkles here and there, and the now white hair, he is the same man I remember lifting me up on his shoulders and running around, the same man who taught me how to fly a ship, the same man who would always disappear in the night, like a rogue. But all of that dies as a white film crowds my vision, and the memories burn as I lock them away, tucking that small, weak part of my heart deep inside me._

_There’s a vise-like grip on my tendons and muscles, and I fight what I know comes next- but I’m fighting the inevitable._

_In my nightmares, Han Solo falls off the catwalk over and over, and his body falling into that dark abyss turns into one I know well, a smaller one, a body clad in white._

_With a nauseating spin, the dream shifts, and I’m back on Exegol, and Rey’s body plummets from the ceiling of the cave, which is the suspended catwalk of Starkiller Base, falling to the ground with a sickening thud. I scream her name and rush to her side, cradling her gently, conscious of how small her body is in my arms. Her eyes have the same glassy look they did after the battle against Palpatine, but this time there is a sticky wetness on the back of her head, and my hand supporting her head comes away bloody, and the warmth is already gone from her body._

_And this time, no matter how much I reach out to the Force, how much life I try to force into her body, those sightless, glassy eyes star up at that gods-be-damned catwalk, her limp body turning impossibly small and stiff in my arms. And I’m alone, her body fading into the Force- I’m left in a cold, ruined cave, with nothing but her white robes, and tears that sting on my cheeks._

Sleep has become a cruel trap, and I spend my nights wandering the empty halls of the Falcon instead of being haunted by the same worn smile of _his_ all over again, and the ever-growing fear of seeing Rey’s lifeless eyes again.

My bunk is often left empty these days, the sleeping quarters filled with the rest of the crew- but I can’t bear the thought of waking them with one of my screams, of admitting to this growing, debilitating weakness that has reared its ugly head since I stepped foot on this ship. Rey has noticed the dark circles under my eyes, but she keeps comments to herself, and I keep my nightmares to myself- knowing that this is my burden, not hers.

But even in my waking days, and increasingly waking nights, the past will not die.

I had thought I had killed the past when I had felled Snoke, in what seems like a past life.

My life as Kylo Ren was over. At least, I had thought.

I’m washing my hands in the automatic wash basin in the toilet, my mind wandering to the thought of Rey sleeping peacefully in her bunk. I can feel the pull of our dyad, and I know I could see into her dreams if I reached out to the Force, but I’ve blocked myself off for now, so she can’t sense my fear.

I look up at the mirror and freeze instantly, captivated by the pair of eyes staring back at me in the mirror.

It’s more than just my reflection, more than just the dark circles under my eyes, the bloodshot veining running through the whites of my eyes.

The face is not my own. It’s only half a face, the other half obscured by a dark mask, a mask split down the middle, so I’m met with only one true eye, an eye glowing darkly back at me. I’m paralyzed, entranced by the reflection, staring at the torn mask, the half-face, the half-mouth that curls into a sneer.

A hand reaches through the reflection and clenches around my throat, strangling me. I scrabble at the hand, my gaze still transfixed by the single glowing eye.

A rasping voice echoes through the room, resonating in my bones.

_You turned against your nature, Ben Solo. Turned against your destiny._

My vision starts to darken at the edges, the hand impossibly strong, choking me harder, and my hands grow weaker by the second as I fight, trying to pull the reflection off me.

“I didn’t turn against my nature! The light was always there!”

My voice comes out less as a declaration and more a pleading whine, the air leaving my lungs as I fight to keep my consciousness.

_Feel the darkness, Ben. Remember who you are. You are Kylo Ren. You always will be._

The hand clenches down again, the burning eye of Kylo Ren searing into my mind as the world turns black, the last of the fight in my body dying.

“Wake up, Ben.”

There’s a rough voice calling out to me, a hand smoothing across my face, and I lean into the touch, desperate for some shred of comfort. I can still see the face of Kylo Ren, _my face_ burned into my mind. It takes all my effort to open my eyes, feeling incredibly weak, dread circling me and ensnaring me in her clutches.

The face swimming above me is unfocused, the only features are the salt-and-pepper hair.

“Wake up, Ben.”

I blink a few times, my vision clearing. The face above me is a face I’d been dreading to see all week, the same face from my nightmares.

A small smile curls across Han Solo’s face, and he helps me to my feet, and my legs are still shaky, so I lean against the wall, transfixed by the ghost before me.

But it’s no ghost, for his hand is impossibly warm in mine, his eyes shining, his smile all too familiar.

The bile is rising in my throat again, and there’s a mist over my eyes, not from the fainting spell.

There’s a pricking feeling in my gut, not dread. I think again about my nightmares, and the pricking becomes a stab of guilt.

Han Solo shakes his head, sighing softly.

“Oh Ben. You were always incredibly stubborn, just like your mother.”

He reaches out, and I recoil only slightly, afraid of his touch. But it’s just a soft hand that comes to rest on my shoulder, squeezing gently.

“Stubborn like I was, I suppose.”

My eyes flick between his, looking for his expression to change, to turn into rage, anger, something I could only consider righteous with how I betrayed him.

There is no change in his face, no sneer or snarl on his face, just the crinkling around his eyes as he smiles wider.

“I-“

The words are impossible, I feel like they’re lodged solidly in my throat, but I have to get them out, have to tell him-

“I’m sorry,”

The words are nothing more than a quiet whisper, a child’s plea to a dead father.

Han just nods, sizing up his son.

“I know.”

His hand moves from my shoulder to my face, and it’s startling how warm it is, how truly alive he is before me.

“Ben, I never blamed you. Never gave up. Neither did Leia.”

I sob slightly, choking on the words, on the feelings that I had forced deep inside.

“But you have a chance to prove to everyone else. You don’t have anything to prove to us, we’re already infinitely prouder of you than you could ever know,”

I lean into his touch, gazing at those brown eyes, the face that had been chasing me in nightmares, the face I had seen at every turn since I had first set foot on this ship.

“This is your chance to make things right. Don’t throw it away, Ben.”

I reach out to him, trying to take his hand in mine.

But he’s gone, with not even the lingering warmth on my cheek to remember him, only tears that go unshed, and the bile in my throat.

He had told me not to throw away my chance.

I had every intention to prove to everyone that Kylo Ren was dead and buried, that only Ben Solo remained.

Walking a few steps to the door of the toilet, I glanced, half afraid, at the mirror- at my reflection.

_Was Kylo Ren really dead?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!  
> So sorry it's been so long without an update, I have been really busy as a full-time college student with two jobs, but my one internship just recently ended, so that should give me more free time to continue this fic! TRUST ME I HAVE NOT ABANDONED IT!  
> I am more eager than ever to redeem Ben Solo :)  
> Sorry if this chapter is slow or weird, I was really forcing myself to write because I felt bad I hadn't posted anything in like a month, and whenever I have to force myself to write without inspiration or a vision, it just always seems like it's more of my shitty writing, and none of the good stuff.  
> But the fun and exciting things are coming up!  
> Drama!  
> Intrigue!  
> AND A CERTAIN FORMER FIRST ORDER GENERAL RETURNS?!  
> Plus obviously we need to throw in more Reylo, and we need to explore Lando and Ben's relationship.  
> Stay tuned guys! I promise to not leave for a month again lol


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